Collaborative Communication

Assertive v. Aggressive Communication

When communicating, it can be really important for us to have a clear message of what we want without giving the perception that we’re blaming the other person. This may not always be easy depending on where the conversation may go, but is helpful. Communicating in this way is following an assertive approach rather than aggressive. Below are some key differences between them.

Assertive communication:

• Values everyone’s insight equally, and follows up what is talked about up in a similar way

• Starting conversations when everyone is ready and present

• Tone and word choice come from a neutral space/place of growth

• Using less accusatory language, and framing concerns in a way that puts yourself first and doesn’t point a finger

  • A good way to do this is through an “I” statement, which follows this structure “I feel ___ when ___ because ___.” 

• Willing to compromise when collaborating on a solution

• Views conversations as an opportunity to understand

Aggressive Communication

• Approaches situations from a place of blame 

• Catching someone off guard when starting/introducing the conversation

• Tone is aggressive and words represent resistance to change or compromise 

• Viewing a conversation as a competition 

Listen to understand and not to solve

It’s understandable that we can be defensive when approached with conflict or difficulties in a conversation. However, immediately trying to jump in with a solution or reasoning may not be helpful. Most of the time, people are likely looking to be emotionally supported or just wanting to be heard. Active listening is a way to practice listening to understand instead of listening to solve or resolve. This is done through being engaged in a distraction-free way and checking in during it. 

Some active listening skills include:

• Showing engagement through body language, facing the person you’re talking to, making eye contact, and reacting non-verbally to what is being said

• Ask questions and check in if you don’t understand, or to check that you are understanding correctly

• Be as non-judgmental as possible, and keep note of when you may be judging more and what that might be telling you about the conversation

• Remove any outside distractions

Use check ins

Different experiences can come up when having difficult conversations. While these moments may lead us away from what we were talking about, it is important that we try to catch when this is happening. Having check-in points during a conversation can help us take a step back and reset. A phrase as simple as “I am a little overwhelmed right now, I need a moment to collect myself” can help communicate that we want to continue the conversation while also feeling emotionally ready to do so.

Checking in and respecting the boundaries that we discuss help with communication at different times too. Doing so can help us communicate how we are feeling and what we need. It can be good to have a discussion prior to the conversation to see what we may need to feel supported. Checking in after conversations can help us continue to feel supported after it’s over.